Am I Worthy?
Maybe I am just off my rocker (completely plausible) or that I misunderstood something along the lines of my Sunday School career, but I find myself feeling guilty for feeling pain. I don’t mean physical pain, but rather emotional pain.
I know pain very intimately.
And pain knows me.
My story is full of triumphs and victories, but also breathtaking pain and hurt that sucked every ounce of joy from me. Only people who have experienced a traumatizing amount of emotional pain will understand when I say it was hard to breathe in those moments. Sadly, for me those moments were more frequent than not. For a number of years I was abused and it rocked me to my core. I found myself just lying on the floor weeping because of the intense pain I was feeling.But then I would feel guilty. For some reasons I believed that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, and right now in my life I am becoming rather familiar with those intense feelings. As I come across major milestones this year I find myself falling back in to those memories of deep pain, but here I am! I have everything going for me. I am a freshman at a great school, I have an incredible job, I am constantly getting to partake in incredible experiences, I am surrounded by people who love me, and yet I am hurting deeply.That is why I feel guilty.I look at my life and I see all that I have and all that has been given to me and I think, “Wow how ungrateful are you that you are hurting?!?”
And then I sink even lower.
I remember last semester was one of the lowest times of this year. I was surrounded by all of these incredible things, yet I was falling apart on the inside.But why?And then it dawned on me.I felt the need to perform.
Performance: an act of staging or presenting.
I felt that if I had incredible things in my life I needed to prove to myself, the world, and God that I was worth it. I was worth the effort my friends put in. I was worth the opportunities I was given. I was worth the salvation I receive.
I felt like I needed to show the world that I could be somebody and that their confidence was not misplaced.
This caused me to try and hide my pain.
I felt guilty that such a broken person could have all of these things because believe me…I didn’t think I was worth any of it.I felt too hurt. Too broken. Too traumatized.To do anything worthwhile.
Then I remembered David.
Growing up David was always my favorite. I loved the idea of the underdog winning (everybody loves a good underdog). I think the Lord put a specific love of David and his story in my heart so that I would remember it years later. I never fully grasped the idea of God using broken and hurting people to do his will until I found myself in that position.I mean look at these people:Moses was a murderer.Noah was a drunk.Saul persecuted Christians.Peter denied God.Joseph was sold into slavery.David was adulterous.Abraham was of little faith.Yet,Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt.Noah helped save creation.Saul became Paul and wrote most of the New Testament.Peter became one of the greatest preachers of all time and became a martyr.Joseph saved Egypt.David was a man after God’s own heart.Abraham was known for his great faith.God has this incredible ability to see the potential in each and every person. He is like the famed Michelangelo. Where everyone else sees a lump of stone, God sees an incredible masterpiece waiting to be unleashed, and even when that masterpiece cracks or starts changing shape God always is crafting it back in to what it was meant to be.
Because God is the master craftsman of all time.
I won’t lie to you. I still feel like I am not worth any of it. I don’t think I am good enough or smart enough or put together enough (whatever that means) to do anything for the Kingdom of God, but then I remember I don’t do anything, rather God does everything and He sees a masterpiece.Grant J. ReynoldsGrab your chair and take a seat Around the Table by subscribing today and following me on instagram and twitter @grantjreynolds